Sex isn’t everything in a healthy relationship, but for many couples, it matters—a lot. Constantly hearing “I’m not in the mood” when you’re horny and ready to go can do a number on your self-esteem. On the flip side, it’s normal to feel bad about repeatedly saying no and potentially disappointing someone you love.
Over time, mismatched sex drives can cause distance between partners. But whether you’re the person who wants it more or less, rest assured that being out of sync in the bedroom doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed, Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Maple Grove, Minnesota, and the co-author of Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, tells SELF. There’s no “right” amount of sex that applies to every couple, and a low libido can be caused by stuff that has nothing to do with attraction—like stress, medication side effects, and hormone fluctuations.
Even though it’s common for your drives to be at odds sometimes, that doesn’t make the situation any less frustrating. The hornier partner might feel undesirable and start questioning why someone who’s supposed to love them keeps rejecting their flirty advances. And the person with the lower libido may experience guilt and anxiety about failing to meet their partner’s expectations, Dr. Fogel Mersy says.
That’s why it’s important to address this issue before resentment builds up. Everyone’s relationship and sexual needs are unique, but hopefully the expert tips below can help you find that happy (and hot) medium.
1. Build up to sex.
Not everyone gets turned on by the same things, Jennifer Vencill, PhD, AASECT-certified sex therapist at the Mayo Clinic and assistant professor of sexual and gender health at the University of Minnesota, tells SELF. “Some people experience spontaneous desire, which is what most of us are familiar with. It’s when arousal emerges, well, spontaneously and easily, without much effort,” Dr. Vencill says. There’s also “responsive desire,” which arises as a reaction to a specific situation or stimuli. Usually “this type of desire takes more time and intention to build up,” she adds
Understanding this difference can be a game-changer for navigating mismatched drives and working towards a more satisfying sex life for both of you. For instance, if you’re experiencing spontaneous desire, you may want to jump straight into fingering, fondling, or penetration. But getting down to business right away probably won’t feel right to someone who needs kissing and other types of foreplay first.
To bridge these conflicting types of arousal, try setting the scene slowly, perhaps with some sexy music, sensual massages, or a little flirty, dirty talk. By gradually creating a horny vibe, it’s more likely that the person who wasn’t initially in the mood will naturally get there, leading to more effortless, enjoyable fun for all, Dr. Vencill says.
2. Block out one-on-one time.
Tension is bound to occur when one person wants to bone twice a week, for example, and the other prefers once a month—which is why scheduling sex, say, once every 10 days (or whatever makes sense for you) can be a helpful compromise, Ken Howard, LCSW, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of Gay Therapy LA in Los Angeles, tells SELF.