You’ve probably heard it before: Communication is key to healthy relationships. But that can be wayyyy harder than it sounds if your partner is super resistant to talking about how they are feeling, or worse, doesn’t even really know what’s happening in their head emotionally. That can lead to a whole host of issues: tension, misunderstandings, resentment, and fights—to name a few.
Naturally, it can be tough to feel close to someone who’s tight-lipped about what’s *really* going on in their brain. But Audrey Schoen, LMFT, a couples counselor offering online therapy in California and Texas, tells SELF that some people have never learned how to communicate about this kind of stuff. Perhaps they were punished for getting upset as a kid or raised by parents who had a difficult time expressing emotions, or maybe societal gender norms are getting in the way—that men should be mentally strong, and women shouldn’t be so emotional. Attachment style might also be at play. The 1950s-era theory suggests there are four different styles of connecting with partners in relationships, which are influenced by your childhood. For example, some people have an avoidant attachment style and treat intimate conversations like the burning fires of hell—so you may have your work cut out for you if your partner has it.
This kind of emotional distance can hurt, but there’s a chance you can get them to be more comfortable with vulnerability with a little support and coaching. Here’s how to encourage your partner to open up.
1. Do a pulse check on your own feelings about the situation first.
It’s common to feel frustrated, neglected, and lonely if your significant other isn’t great at, well, feelings, Schoen says. If you don’t know what the heck is going on in their head, your imagination can run wild. “You can make up your own ideas and assumptions about why they aren’t sharing their emotions or what it means about your relationship,” Schoen says. If, for example, your boyfriend’s been sitting on the other side of the couch with his arms crossed all night, you might wonder if they’re mad at you or hiding something. (When in reality, they could just be tired.)
Again, you might consider your attachment style in this situation, Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist and the executive director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute, tells SELF. So if you have an anxious attachment style, you might have an intense fear of abandonment and crave closeness and intimacy. If your partner has an emotionally guarded avoidant style, the two opposing approaches, naturally, can sometimes lead to conflict. (The other two styles are secure attachment, where close relationships are no big deal for you, and disorganized attachment, where you have a mix of anxious and avoidant styles. Fun!)
It’s important to assess your own attachment style if you’re feeling insecure in your relationship. Observe—and fact check—your thoughts: Do you have actual tangible proof that their aloofness is because they don’t love you? Or, perhaps, are you filling in those gaps based on fear, and not facts? One helpful way to find this out is through journaling. Write (or doodle, if artistic expression resonates with you most) about how, say, your person’s aversion to emotions bums you out. That way, you’ll be better prepared to have a calm, honest conversation if and when your partner’s ready. You might also be less likely to respond in a defensive, anxious way, Schoen says, which could make them even less inclined to share what’s going on.
2. Ask questions that encourage them to reflect.
Your partner might not recognize what they’re feeling, not know how to bring it up, or be afraid of what you’ll say if you knew their inner thoughts. That’s where specific, open-ended, emotion-based questions (with answers that require more than a simple “yes” or “no”) can help, says Schoen.