If you’re the token single in your group of friends, every wedding invite and sappy Instagram post can feel like a reminder that everyone else is in love—and (news flash!) you’re still alone.
You’re probably happy to see your favorite people thriving in their relationships. But still, being the odd one out can be a tough pill to swallow, Jayne Miller, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City, tells SELF. Generally, “it’s always a challenge to feel like an outsider or outlier,” Dr. Miller says.
You may get jealous, frustrated, insecure, or lonely when you can’t fully relate to your pals about their date nights, say, or engagement plans. Plus, you might feel added pressure to settle down ASAP, just to fit in, which can be pretty overwhelming.
As much as it can suck to be the only person in the squad who hasn’t found love, your relationship status doesn’t have to hurt your confidence—or your friendships. Below, therapists share their top tips for feeling less isolated and shitty when everyone around you is coupled up.
1. Look beyond your little world and remember you’re not the only single person out there.
When you’re surrounded by happy lovebirds, it’s natural to slip into a self-doubt spiral, particularly if you’re yearning for what they have. What’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I found someone yet? But keep in mind, your small circle of partnered pals isn’t representative of what’s “normal,” Jenny Taitz, PsyD, Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate, tells SELF.
“It’s easy to become your own bully and assume everyone else’s life is moving on and yours isn’t,” Dr. Taitz says. “But rather than getting stuck in that mindset and comparing yourself to your friends, it’s important to challenge this negative self-talk with kindness.” This could include reminding yourself that countless other humans in the world haven’t found their soulmate yet—just look at how many people are using dating apps right now! This reality check, she says, can help you feel less like you’re drowning alone in a sea of couples.
It also doesn’t hurt to expand your social circle to include fellow singles you can relate to, Dr. Taitz adds. (We get it: Making new friends as an adult is hard, but these tips should make the process feel less daunting.)
2. Take advantage of the single life.
There are plenty of negative clichés about how much it sucks to be single (think “forever alone” memes and the classic “cat lady” stereotype). In reality, flying solo has some serious perks, Patrice Le Goy, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF—and embracing these bright sides can help ease any pangs of insecurity or envy.
For one, consider all the free time and flexibility you have to explore new hobbies and interests—like learning a new language or finally booking that dream solo trip. When your friends complain about their SO’s messy habits, say, or vent about their unbearable in-laws, be grateful you get to dodge that drama entirely. Plus, your married posse can’t flirt with that hottie at the bar—but you absolutely can! “Sometimes we can get so caught up in wanting to be in a relationship that we forget being single can be a time to focus on ourselves and our happiness,” Le Goy says.
3. Redefine what it means to third-wheel.
Being the third (or fourth or fifth) wheel doesn’t have to be this uncomfortable scene where a lovestruck twosome is lost in their own world as you sit alone in the corner, clutching your wine glass. With the right activity and setting, you can turn these outings into fun and not-at-all-awkward experiences.