To avoid something being taken the wrong way mid-sex, it’s never a bad idea to ask ahead of time, as in: “Hey, if I said that I love [how your butt looks] when we hook up, would that be a thumbs up or a thumbs down for you?” Francis suggests. Or “[Your thighs] really turn me on. Can I compliment them when we’re having sex?” Dr. Brown-James says. This way, you can gauge their response without potentially ruining a moment.
2. Practice giving and receiving compliments in a non-sexual context.
If you and your partner don’t typically notice and affirm little things about each other throughout the day, it’s probably going to feel kinda random or out-of-the-blue at best—and jarring at worst—if you start being super effusive during sex. So make a ritual out of identifying and complimenting small actions that your partner takes as they’re going about their day (like, “I really love the way you tuck your hair behind your ears before you brush your teeth,” Francis suggests) to get the words of affirmation flowing.
A bonus? That’ll get you paying attention to the details, Francis says, which tend to be the things that light people up the most—so you’ll be primed to offer more specific (and thus more meaningful) compliments come sexy time.
3. Focus your words on their actions.
Commending your partner’s behavior in bed is a spicy way to make them feel needed, desired, and appreciated. You might say, “You’re really good with your hands [or mouth or hips] that way,” or just a simple, “You’re so good at that,” in the moment. You could also allude to something happening in the future to stoke their arousal, like, “I can’t wait for you to touch me later tonight,” or “I can’t wait to feel you do [sexy action],” Dr. Brown-James says.
Another tack? Rave about their response to your touch, as in: “I love the way you come for me,” Dr. Brown-James adds. The more specific you can get to whatever you both enjoy, the better.
4. Highlight their character or physical traits.
You can’t go wrong complimenting an aspect of their personality that makes them who they are—like their confidence, intelligence, selflessness, kindness, or, yes, sexiness, which can be as much about their character as it is their physique, Francis says.
Saying something like, “It turns me on how smart you are,” can transform a garden-variety compliment into something hot enough for sex. Not to mention, this specific praise can also set the stage for the kinds of affirmations that are great across the board, like “You deserve pleasure,” or “You deserve to be worshiped,” or “You’re so worthy,” Francis says.
You can also call out specific body parts in your praise, assuming you know that they’re comfortable with you drawing attention to them—as in, “I can’t get over how good your ass looks,” or “Your boobs look so sexy right now.” Or you could describe those attributes in the context of different sensations, like “I love the sound our bodies make,” or “I love the softness of your skin against mine,” Dr. Brown-James suggests. This way, you’re sharing how their body affects you versus just how it looks—which can feel even more intimate.
5. Rave about the way they make you feel.
A twist on the above is to just talk about the effect they have on you, Francis says—something like, “You make me feel so excited,” or “I feel so lucky to be with you,” or even, “Every time I look at you, I am overwhelmed by how fucking awesome you are.” Sure, there’s nothing super explicit about these comments, but whispered in their ear or spoken at just the right moment, they could rev things up for dirtier praise to come—like, “I love the way you make my body feel,” or “…how you take control of me,” as Dr. Brown-James suggests.
6. Use words to reinforce a sexy power dynamic.
Speaking of control, praise can play a starring role in BDSM play. Perhaps the most classic example is the dominant partner telling their submissive that they’re such a good girl, good boy, or good pet. Or they might compliment the sub on their skills (“You’re doing such a good job,” or “That’s exactly what I wanted”) to affirm their ability, Dr. Brown-James says, while also keeping them in their place and reminding them of whom they’re serving. (Hot!)
With a simple shift in wording, praise can also flow in the opposite direction—from the submissive partner to the dominant one—also in the name of emphasizing the existing power arrangement and ramping up pleasure and arousal. That might sound something like, “I trust you so much,” or “You take such good care of me,” Francis says.
Even if you’re not using language to play with control, BDSM practices can be a helpful model for exploring any affirmation-based kink for the first time. “It starts with not assuming that we know what another person wants unless they’ve explicitly asked for it and taking things slow,” Francis says. Because the hottest praise you can get in bed will always be the kind that you feel comfortable receiving and that lifts up the traits and talents you want to be noticed.
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