“In a healthy relationship, there should always be a give-and-take,” Kelaher says, meaning that both people sometimes have to compromise and put in work to show how much they value the other. On the flip side, it’s incredibly disheartening when, time after time, someone you’d do anything for isn’t willing to meet you halfway (perhaps literally).
Another revealing scenario: You’re down to spend quality time together (over long dinners or monthly movie nights, say) and they’re only interested in brief 15-minute coffee chats that fit their schedule. Essentially, you shouldn’t be the only one making sacrifices or completely inconveniencing yourself—and if you are, it may be time to reevaluate things.
4. They make time for everyone else.
You might have a workaholic bestie who’s impossible to reach on weekdays or a well-intentioned pal who’s notoriously disorganized and forgetful. These traits can be frustrating, sure, but they don’t automatically signal a lopsided friendship, according to both therapists.
“Consider the bigger picture and ask yourself, ‘Is their behavior a reflection of not caring about me, or just a difference in availability and communication style?’” Leeds says. As an example, someone who takes five-to-seven business days to reply to anyone’s messages may not be singling you out. What’s more telling, however, is if that same person who’s “too swamped” to text you regularly posts Instagram stories of brunches, dinners, and post-work meetups with other people in their social circle. Another red flag is if your usually punctual bud (who’s known for being reliable) is comfortable canceling plans only with you. These inconsistencies, Kelaher says, suggest that they’re perfectly capable of showing up for loved ones—just not for you.
5. They’re not there for you when it really matters.
Let’s say you expressed how important it is to have some support at your first 5K race. A friend who truly cares might surprise you at the finish line with flowers, or at the very least shoot over a heartfelt “Good luck!” or “Congrats!” In a more unbalanced dynamic, however, this kind of consideration may be absent: They might downplay your achievement (“Sorry I couldn’t come, I just didn’t think it was a big deal since it was so short”) or forget your big day entirely without seeming apologetic.
True pals go the extra mile to celebrate your successes and be there during tough moments. That’s why if a so-called friend repeatedly forgets significant events like your birthday, or rarely shows empathy for your challenges (like a scary medical procedure you’ve been talking about for weeks), they may not be as invested in your well-being as they should be, Kelaher says.
If any of the signs above hit close to home, both therapists say it can be helpful to bring up your concerns non-confrontationally. (For example, “Hey, I’ve been noticing that there’s a disconnect between us lately. Are we good?” Or, “It seems like I’m initiating most of our conversations and I’ve been feeling unappreciated. Could we meet this week to talk about it?”). Hopefully, their response can give you clarity about whether they’re aware of this imbalance and, more importantly, if they’re willing to work on it.
That said, you can’t force someone to be a good friend, so if they don’t care enough to show up for you, know that you deserve better. It’s not worth your time and mental energy to prioritize people who take you for granted, and you’re much better off investing in current or new connections that are more fulfilling and supportive instead. “After all, friendships take work, Leeds says. “But it’s not meant to be done by just one person.”
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